...so...this christian conferencing thing....

(this is an emotional and personal entry, but one I believe adequately speaks to the frustration of many individuals involved in "church politics")


One main part of the United Methodist faith is something called "christian conferencing." For the past 3 days I have been in Greenville, NC at the Convention Center with 1,800 of my closest methodist clergy and lay delegates. This experience has been frustrating, shocking, invigorating, life-giving, exhausting, etc. I feel torn about so many things that I've witnessed. I have heard some of the best sermons and participated in truly earnest worship. I have felt God in the burning in my gut and in the prickling of tears in my eyes.

Tonight I broke down for the first time.

The delegates vote on resolutions that are included in the United Methodist Church Book of Resolutions that is printed every 4 years. These resolutions explain the Church's official stance on a wide variety of topics ranging from alcohol to homosexuality to what version of the apostle's creed is preferred for use in the service. The resolutions that are discussed at each Annual Conference are rotated every year to provide ample attention to all. This year the resolutions included; The war in iraq, human impacted global climate change and gangs.

Over the past year and a half of attending RMC (Raleigh Mennonite Church) I have been sheltered from Methodist church politics. I have also developed my own beliefs regarding what Jesus practiced and preached in regards to war and other highly publicized issues.

I have become a pacifist.

Tonight I heard arguments for and against a resolution regarding the war in Iraq. I was moved to tears by a former lieutenant's plea. He described how his search for the direction of Christ had shown him that, "Peace will never be found with the tip of a rifle." and "the soldiers who deaths I have brought about have not made the world any safer, and have added a shadow of shame and pain within my heart." He urged the conference delegates to put aside their "American ideals" and prayerfully consider how Jesus truly calls us to behave.

I believe his courage to speak was a result of the Holy Spirit.

There were many other comments made which infuriated me. One of which quoted a famous text of which I cannot remember the name. A man remarked, "Men who question the action taken to protect their freedom are only entitled to it because of the valiant efforts enacted by better men on their behalf." The same individual also remarked that, "Jesus would want us to fight to save the oppressed." I could go on, but I feel the tears beginning to threaten.

It would not be ok to cry in a hotel lobby at a public computer.

My heart broke for God, for our world, and for what we are doing to it. I felt the heavy burden that sometimes accompanies hopelessness. I tried to pray, but found my throat and thoughts clouded by pain and frustration. I excused myself and escaped to an open field beside the building where I gulped the fresh air and held my chest in anticipation of the recession of emotion.

It did not come.

I questioned many times before tonight whether I truly believed in pacifism in an situations regarding violence, war, and genocide.

Tonight I felt God's heart revealed to me regarding the matter.

It hurts to have your heart broken by God.

I would appreciate your prayers. We have once day of conference left before I will be able to return to Raleigh Sunday afternoon. I am in a very sticky situation where I find myself in an completely foreign culture and they are much more conservative than I. I find difficulty in discussing a difference in beliefs while I am still trying to get the community to open up to me and trust my intentions. The Native American Community is very underrepresented here and fighting for voice. I have also openly witnessed discrimination while we are out dining or traveling. It is a very disturbing situation, but one I believe God has put me in for a reason.

Peace,

Jodi